I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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