peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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