Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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