I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
