my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
