thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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