Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
