I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize