Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just invented taco cereal.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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