xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
