While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
