I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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