You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
