Christians are straight up FREAKS
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
