checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize