god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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