wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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