dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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