I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize