you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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