the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
