I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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