I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
