my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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