my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
