Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
