my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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