I smell stomach acid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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