I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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