He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
