im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
