i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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