My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
