So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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