Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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