I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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