some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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