just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
