Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
