Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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