I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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