im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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