the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
