i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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