What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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