Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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