A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
