Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
