I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
