If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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