: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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