He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
