My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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