The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
