3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize