New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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