i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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