Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I need to calm my uterus...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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