I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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