I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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