im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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