foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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