No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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