just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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