Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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