now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
a search helicopter?!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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