I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
