Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize