I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
